How the Grinch Stole Christmas Safety
[Choir of pedestrians and bicyclists]
“I’m dreaming of a safe Christmas just like the ones I used to . . . (gulp) . . . (gasp) . . . YIKES!“
[Grinch]
Hey, you bicyclists cut the din,
Can’t you see the mood I’m in?
Bicycles, bicycles everywhere.
Riding around without a care.
I’ll tell you right off the bat,
We’ll soon put a stop to that!
No delay for cars is what I say,
So get your two wheels out of the way.
E-bikes what a curse,
If I see one more. I’ll need a nurse!
Complain, complain – Oh my head
So what if a few of you are dead?
If it’s too unsafe for you to ride,
Then just go over to the side and hide
Oh, you’re such an infernal pain
But I’ll throw in one more shared lane.
Buffered Lanes? Not so fast,
How will cars zip past?
Traffic circles they’re all the rage,
As you ride through, you’ll certainly age.
Traffic circles and (Glenmont) roundabouts, they’re the best
Try to ride through them – be my guest.
We design ‘em, you can bet,
I haven’t seen one that’s bikeable yet.
Four-lane highways they’re the pip
Too bad if you get hit.
No bike lanes? That’s tough,
Good old sharrows are more than enough.
Buffered lanes now that’s a riot,
Don’t hold your breath until I try it.
Complete streets that’s my scam
I’ll “consider your needs” and then I’ll scram!
Vision zero that’s a joke,
Don’t you realize we’re broke?
Broke that is until a new car way
Causes our minds to sway!
I’ve got my engineering manuals at hand
And they don’t cover your rowdy band.
Gotta problem with Central Ave.?
Why that’s the safest road we have!
About livable streets you’re free to dream,
But rest assured that’s not my scheme.
A ped-bike master plan will calm your fears,
Don’t get excited – it’s smoke and mirrors.
On our plan from two thousand nine
We’re been doing just fine.
Added bike lanes for five miles
Doesn’t that bring you smiles?
Bicycle planning, we do a lot
But our action is mostly “not.”
Many plans on the shelf
Guarded by my elf.
Eco freaks with hearts of Fire?
Well guess what, I’m a denier.
Dying from pollution?
Bicycles are not my solution.
SUVs now that’s my Style,
I think I’ll go out and cruise a while.
Miles per gallon – not my issue,
If you don’t agree, here’s a tissue.
Move all those cars, that’s the need,
We let them go at any speed.
Lower the speed limit
Sure… in just a minute.
Bike Lanes with no buffer?
Well that’s too bad – you’ll have to suffer
You got doored
Oh so sorry, but I’m just floored.
Bike lane symbols faded away?
We’ll re-do them . . . someday.
Can’t safely ride to work?
Well take the bus – what a jerk.
Hit a cyclist they’ll throw the book
Say you didn’t and you’re off the hook.
New Scotland Ave now that’s for parking
St. Peter’s got the key so hearken.
Safe passing distance I’ll fight that one
Fight so hard it’ll never get done.
Buffered lanes, now that’s a riot
Don’t hold your breath until I try it.
Are cycle tracks what you want to see?
That’s a good laugh for my friends at dee oh tee.
Reduce the speed,
What’s the need?
Car lane, parking lane, turn lane, more
But for cyclist anything at all is all chore.
You pay your taxes, and we’re glad
But how we spend them will make you mad.
Roads, streets, turns galore
All I say is more, more, more.
Got hit by a car, slammed by a door
Well that’s too bad – I hope you’re sore.
Albany, Schenectady, Guilderland too,
Sorry but we don’t have time for you.
Colonie, Troy, Bethlehem are a riot,
Plenty of cars and trucks but no road diet.
But that’s too bad if you want peace,
Our disdain for you will never cease
I hope this tale doesn’t make you sad
But after all, it’s not that bad.
Want to cycle safely on a trip?
Well go to Holland on a ship.
Separated Lanes they’re the best
But not in my plan like all the rest.
We can’t cater to just a hobby
We have to kowtow to the car Lobby.
Traffic’s dangerous, that’s a shame
There’s plenty of us to share the blame.
Hey, you guys are really nuts,
Get outta here before I kick your butts.
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To end on a brighter note of what COULD BE, please go here – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzyIFqXps_A
Albany Bicycle Coalition 