How the Grinch Stole Christmas Safety
[Choir of pedestrians and bicyclists:]
“I’m dreamin’ of a safe Christmas just like the ones I used to . . . (gulp) . . . (gasp) . . . YIKES!“
[Grinch:]
“Hey, you bicyclists cut the din, Can’t you see the mood I’m in?
25 miles per hour, Sure turns me sour.
Slow down for schools? Go ahead take my picture – fools.
Pedestrians – talk, talk, talk. Just stay on the #$%^& sidewalk!
I’d rather have lots of grass than those multi-use lanes, Which are pain in the a – -.
There’s now a CRTC, Why? Sure beats the heck out of me.
They want safe roads it’s been said, Just makes me want to hide in bed.
You say you want to cut down on DWI? Makes me laugh so hard I almost cry.
What’s the harm in a little booze, Before I take a wobblily cruise?
The lenient judges are right . . . Even if the perps are way tight.
Evidentiary Bee Aaa Cee ? Get my lawyer, then we’ll see.
Bicycles, bicycles everywhere, Riding around without a care.
I’ll tell you right off the bat, We’ll soon put a stop to that!
No delay for cars is what I say, So get your two wheels out of the way.
E-bikes what a curse, If I see one more. I’ll need a nurse!
Complain, complain – Oh my head! So what if a few of you are dead?
If it’s too unsafe for you to ride, Then just go over to the side and hide
Oh, you’re such an infernal pain, But I’ll throw in one more shared lane.
Buffered Lanes? Not so fast, How will cars zip past?
Traffic circles they’re all the rage, As you ride through, you’ll certainly age.
Traffic circles and roundabouts, they’re the best. Try to ride ‘em – be my guest.
We design ‘em, you can bet, I haven’t seen one that’s bikeable yet.
Now Burlington it’s the best, Serving as a model for all the rest. RATS!
Four-lane highways they’re the pip, Too bad if you get hit.
No bike lanes? That’s tough, Good old sharrows are more than enough.
Complete streets that’s my scam, I’ll “consider your needs” and then I’ll scram!
Vision zero that’s a joke, Don’t you realize we’re broke?
Broke that is until a new car way, Causes our minds to sway!
I’ve got my engineering manuals at hand, And they don’t cover your rowdy band.
Gotta problem with Central Ave.? Why that’s the safest road we have!
Pedestrians can’t cross? Oh, too bad, it’s just your loss.
About livable streets you’re free to dream, But rest assured that’s not my scheme.
A ped-bike master plan will calm your fears, Don’t get excited – it’s smoke and mirrors.
Bicycle planning, we do a lot, But our action is mostly “not.”
Many plans on the shelf, Guarded by my elf.
Eco freaks with hearts of Fire?
Well guess what – I’m a denier. Dying from pollution?
Bicycles are not my solution. SUVs now that’s my Style,
I think I’ll go out and cruise awhile. Miles per gallon – not my issue, If you don’t agree, here’s a tissue.
Move all those cars, that’s the need, We let them go at any speed.
Lower the speed limit, Sure… in just a minute.
Bike Lanes with no buffer? Well that’s too bad – you’ll have to suffer
You got doored, Oh so sorry, but I’m just floored.
Cross walk symbols faded away? We’ll do them over . . . someday.
Here’s a series of Bethlehem shout outs, to all the anti-Delaware Avenue calming louts.
Can’t safely ride to work? Well take the bus – what a jerk!
Hit a cyclist, they’ll throw the book, Just say you didn’t, and you’re off the hook.
Safe passing distance I’ll fight that one, Fight so hard it’ll never get done.
Buffered lanes, now that’s a riot, Don’t hold your breath until I try it.
Are cycle tracks what you want to see? That’s a good laugh for my friends at dee-oh-tee.
Reduce the speed, What’s the need?
Car lane, parking lane, turn lane, more, But for cyclists anything at all is a chore.
You pay your taxes, and we’re glad, But how we spend them will make you mad.
Roads, streets, turns galore, All I say is more, more, more.
Got hit by a car, slammed by a door, Well, that’s too bad – I hope you’re sore.
Albany, Schenectady, Guilderland too, Sorry but we don’t have time for you.
Colonie, Troy, Bethlehem are a riot, Plenty of cars and trucks but no road diet.
But that’s too bad if you want peace, Our disdain for you will never cease.
I hope this tale doesn’t make you sad, But after all, it’s not that bad.
Want to cycle safely on a trip? Well, go to Holland on a ship.
Separated Lanes they’re the best, But not in my plan like all the rest.
We can’t cater to just a hobby, We have to kowtow to the car lobby.
Traffic’s dangerous, that’s a shame, There’s plenty of us to share the blame.
Hey, you guys are really nuts, Get outta here before I kick your butts!
Albany Bicycle Coalition 